Flipping for Cricket

Its been really nice having my mom here the past few days. Not only have I really missed her, but she has helped me to see things through fresh eyes again. Sometimes it's easy to become jaded to your surroundings when you've been submerged in them for a while. It's also really fun to be able to show her what my life is like these days. I could go home and tell everyone all about it, but it's not the same as her being able to see first hand what things are like here. Right off the bat she was able to witness me lugging buckets of water from next door (we had no running water again), hold a vomiting child over the pit (true, it was my fault for bribing her with candy before breakfast) and show off my polished Indian eating skills. She nearly had a heart attack while Nina and I calmly strode through swift and chaotic traffic on the way to town, had her first 'I want to cry' moment when she saw a mouse struggling for its life on a piece of sticky paper at the grocery store, and prayed fervently while riding in the backseat as Benny maneuvered his way through several lanes of oncoming vehicles (including a man in a hand-peddle wheelchair merging influx.)

I have to say she has really impressed me. I would have thought she'd be a little more squeamish or hesitant when thrown into such severe culture shock, but she has taken it in stride pretty well. This morning we were invited to George's church where she gave a little testimony and spoke to the congregation, and tomorrow we will head to Mantralayam (in Andhra Pradesh) to the children's home that George started there. This afternoon we joined the boys upstairs to give them the cricket equipment that was gifted from the wonderful girls at Flip Flop Gymnastics (Deep River, CT). They were thrilled to say the least! They were so excited to get all the new official gear and the cheers grew louder with every bat I pulled out of the box. They were very grateful and said a prayer, thankful for the girls and their kind hearts, then flew outside to play. Thank you Flip Flop girls!

(Above photo: Dovey with the boys and their new gear)

Showing the boys their cricket sponsors back in the US

The Big Surprise

Just when I thought I might be able to do my mom a little justice with that Mother's Day post, she goes and does something like show up in India! I received the biggest surprise of my life yesterday -- my Dovey traveled across the world to see me!

I hadn't slept much in several nights and had been laying awake since 3am. Sabita got the girls up at 4am to 'go walking' and though I thought that was kind of a cruel punishment for misbehaving the day before, I joined them because I couldn't sleep anyway. If this were at home, I would know something was up, but I just chalked it up to Indians and the odd hours they keep. Sabita and I dropped the girls back at the house after a few rounds of the neighborhood and kept walking down into town and came back some time around 5:30. When I came in Nina was up, also unusual, but for some reason I didn't question that either. I had just lay down to try and nap for a few minutes when I was summoned next door to meet a friend of George's that was visiting. Exhausted and irritated I said I'd come in a bit and lay back down. Sabita came in a minute later urging me to come, everyone was waiting for me, and finally I got up, really grumpy at this point, and as I was getting ready George came calling for me. Now I was irritated. Three people in five minutes? What could be so important? I'm coming. As I stomped out the door, dressed in whatever I could find lying around, specs perched on the end of my nose, I noticed George standing outside. As I exited the gate trying not to glower at him he said 'Sorry to disturb, I want you to meet our guest!' and pointed to the porch. There she was, my Dovey! I don't know if I have ever been so shocked in all my life. There was my mama surrounded by my babies! Speechless and haggard I flew into her arms and the waterworks began. As I got used to the realization that she was in fact there with me, all the oddities of the days leading up to her arrival started to hit me. (It turns out she was MIA for a while after some flight complications and that was causing everyone to act even weirder than before.) How had I not figured out that something was up with everybody dodging me and acting so fishy? I can be pretty oblivious sometimes. Everyone (George, his family, Nina, the wardens, my family, and my best friend) dropped hints along the way but never enough to give me a clue. Anyone who knows me knows that surprises are one of my favorite things in all the world and this one really tops the list. The people in my life are absolutely some of the best in the world, I am sure of that. I am so blessed!

Whaaaa Haaappen?

This is what I do when I'm overwhelmed

(I got so excited I did the 'Fawma')

Dovey got to join us for this months visit with the widows to offer counseling and their monthly stipend

A Girl's Life

Almost all of the kids are back and we are dealing with the overwhelming energy of the lot of them together once again. This time around though, we are in the new (very small) house with all the girls. It's too small to bring in beds, so they do everything in the center common room. Here they eat their meals, play, sing, dance, and roll out their mats when it's time to sleep. It's fun to be back in a group of all females and it's so easy to return to the carefree and simple girl I was at their age when I am around them. I remember looking up to my sisters the way that they look up to me and for a little while, I get to be the big sister I never was in my own family. They love to brush my hair and play with my jewelry and poke at my freckles. But tonight, I think I opened a can of worms when I allowed them to tattoo me when we ran out of drawing paper. Before I knew it, I was getting a full-blown teenage Indian makeover. Man, I've never felt so beautiful! (yikes)

Tatting me up and plaiting my hair

Getting my hair did

Luckily there are no photos from after they colored my eyebrows black with mascara

A Day for Doves

'I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.'

It's Mother's Day once again, and once again I am many many miles from my own mama and missing her wonderful presence in my life. There is nothing I can say that can do justice to the amazing woman that is my mother. Dovey, as we like to call her, (Do-do to her grandchildren) is the greatest woman I know. She is beautiful, strong, faithful, loving, supportive, encouraging, creative, hilarious, compassionate, considerate, selfless, devoted, and tenacious. She took the less-than-ideal conditions of her own childhood and transformed herself into Super-Mom, determined to be the incredible woman that her own mother could never be. She cultivated a strong, tight-knit family and raised three daughters with a man she has loved since the age of 15. Together they instilled in us the values of love and grace, gratitude, respect for ourselves and others, and led by example the way to a righteous life. From as far back as I can remember, my parents taught my sisters and I the importance of children, the innocents of the world, the future generations. It is because of them that I have been brought to where I am today, doing what I am doing, serving God through caring for His children that have been left behind. My mother had the opportunity to fall in the footsteps of her own mother, but she took her responsibilities as a reward rather than a burden and wore motherhood like a badge of honor.

Keeping the spark alive after 38 years

World's Greatest Grandmother

(Do-do and her first grandbaby, Violet)

Dovey and her 3 girls

The family that plays together, stays together

When I think of my mother I am overcome with a sense of pride. I am so proud of everything that she is, everything that she has done, and everything that she has created in me. I have unconditional love for my mom, the woman who dried my tears as a child, and continues to do the same even now that I am an adult. I can only hope to become even a fraction of the mother that she has been and continues to be, when my time comes. I know that always and forever, no matter how old I am, I will be her baby. Dovey, thank you for everything you have done for me, I love you more than I can say. Happy Mother's Day!

'When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself.'

Nancy Friday

**A note to my sisters: Don't even bother, I totally won this year!

16 and Married

Just about a month ago, Ganga, one of the oldest girls here, graduated from high school and moved out of New Hope. We were sad to see her leave but were confident that she had big things in her future. She is a very intelligent and hard-working girl, who spent 7 days a week from early morning until after the sun set studying hard, and taking extra classes at her english medium school. There is no doubt that she could achieve anything she sets her mind to. About a week ago we received some disturbing news. Ganga was to be married on May 5th, a union arranged by her step-mother in exchange for a dowry of a few acres of land. Ganga had been living at New Hope since the age of six and George was like a father to her, so you can imagine he was very upset by the news. He did all in his power to stop the illegal nuptials (both bride and groom are minors) but the wedding carried on despite his efforts, and without his attendance. Ganga had planned to come along when it was time for her younger sisters Gayathri and Anjali to return after summer break, but sadly we missed her lovely face when they arrived yesterday, and now may not see her again.

Ganga, just a child a few months ago, posing with her favorite animal at the zoo.

Although things like this are often the norm in India, I myself cannot even come close to relating. I can't imagine marrying someone whom I do not love, spending the rest of my life with someone that someone else has chosen, and losing my freedom at such a young age. I find myself thinking back to when I was 16 and my priorities were drastically different from Ganga's. My biggest concerns were acquiring my drivers license, petty arguments with my teenage boyfriend, what I would wear to the prom, and how I would perform at my next gymnastics meet -- definitely not a last minute wedding that I had no say over, becoming a wife and homemaker, and the most-likely frightening thoughts of what will happen after the ceremony, with a man I don't even know. Ganga is a girl that has shown so much promise, conviction, and devotion; a young lady with a passion for song and dance, who now may not have the choices or opportunity to follow her dreams. It makes me sad not only for Ganga, but for a nation that is still so caught up in ancient binding traditions and oppressive institutions that keep young women from their aspirations, goals, dreams, and desires. It is no life to live, one that is sure to be filled with dull sorrow and regret.

Ganga and Nina in the back of the truck on the way home from Lenti's christening

My heart goes out to Ganga in a time when she must feel so alone and exploited, traded like livestock for a piece of land. It is disturbing and upsetting, and quite a shock for us who just weeks ago were congratulating this beautiful young girl on what she has accomplished thus far and optimistic for her promising future. Just weeks ago she had the world at her fingertips. I am sure that Ganga will make the best of her situation, to learn to love the man that she is forced to spend the rest of her life with and create a better life for her family than she had for herself. But it doesn't ease the helplessness we all feel (especially George, her father figure for so many years) in not being able to do anything to rescue her.

Update

Right after the previous post was written Nithin was taken out of our care because he was getting 'too attached.' This is bogus to me, and I can't help but feel really frustrated by it. He has made incredible behavioral, emotional, and linguistic progress since we have been taking care of him and given him the individual attention he needs. The way I see it, he is going to have a hard time when we leave here whether he is staying with us until then or not. Why should we be forced to withhold compassion and attention from the child who would benefit most from it? I was really burned by the news and sat and stewed a while, but once I realized there was nothing I could do about it, I played hopscotch with the girls and started to feel a bit better. (Even if I could only look longingly to my little buddy across the dividing wall.)

Night Howl

After a relaxing beach holiday, we came back to New Hope and our rickshaw was greeted by smiling and excited faces. It was welcoming and so cute, but slightly and immediately overwhelming. They all wanted a piece of us the second we walked in the door, trying to settle in and unpack after a 12 hour bus ride. I tried to fight it, but rather than feeling excited to be back, I was frustrated by a number of things. Home less than a day, I plucked a bug out of my hair and was immediately put in a rotten mood. The day went on to feature several bathroom accidents, bug infestations, and foul smells wafting from all over. I know that I only have a month left with these kids and I really want to enjoy it, to soak up the last days I have with them and cherish every second. Sometimes it's hard to do that in the moment when you're changing and washing the 5th set of pee-pee pants and battling a forcefield of flies outside (and inside) because no matter how many times you tell them, the kids wont stop leaving food all over the ground when they wash their plates at the spigot outside our door. Or when you have to pretend not to see the giant cockroaches out of the corner of your eye, or politely pluck the insect out of your food and tell yourself it's just burnt rice. I don't get too easily grossed out, but when you are constantly surrounded by filth, it starts to wear on you.

I had just turned out the light around midnight when the howling began. It was Nithin of course, and at first we tried to ignore it since Nina and I tend to exacerbate the problem due to his attachment to us. Finally, when it only grew louder and no one else went to tend to the issue, I went out to calm him. I walked out into the next room where the floor was strewn with slumbering bodies, the smallest one whimpering and writhing like a dog with an itchy back. The second I lifted him from the ground the sobbing ceased. His breathing slowed, peppered with the hiccupy gasps of a child who cries so much they cant catch their breath. I couldn't help but notice how peaceful he became just laying in my arms. There was nothing wrong, he just woke up scared and lonely and wanted to be clutched close to a warm body who's love he could feel enveloping him. I gently rocked the little boy in my arms as he clung to me like a baby koala and I began to realize that it is moments like this that are what I am really going to miss. Simple moments where I feel that my presence is really needed, or maybe just coveted, the moments where all I can hear is the whirring fan and the shallow breathing of this beautiful child sleeping soundly in my arms, the contours of his perfect little face barely visible in the moonlight. And in that moment I cant bear to think of the fact that after I leave here, I may never see him again.

When I loosened my grip and attempted to lay him down amongst the girls, he grasped at me desperately and the sobbing began again. I knew that everyone else's sleep was dependent on my keeping him quiet, so after a few more unsuccessful attempts to get him back to bed with the rest, I carried him to our room and set him on a mat on the floor. Silently and immediately he curled up and slept soundly for the rest of the night, waking only once with a whimper but after hearing my voice hush him, instantly slept again. As he lay there next to my bed I realized something. To this little boy, I represent safety. He doesn't even need to be cradled next to my body to feel that security, just knowing I am there soothes his anxieties. In the next room, placed between the other children, he writhed around shaking, hyperventilating, flapping his hands and squirming violently in some sort of toddler panic attack. But here, no more than ten feet away from where he lay before, resting beside my bed and knowing that I am near he sleeps like a baby. As an aunt, teacher, coach, and caregiver, I have represented safety to a child before (though usually a child with at least one parent to rely on.) I am there to catch them if they fall, feed them when they are hungry, change them when they are wet, and can be depended upon when something goes wrong. But the safety that I represent for Nithin is different. He is scared. Scared of being left, because he has been left before, scared of waking up alone because he has so many times, scared to be without comfort and affection because he knows what that deprivation feels like. He relies on us for everything and that dependence terrifies me. In a month I will leave New Hope. In a couple months I will be back in the United States. But Nithin will still be here. I wont have any control over what happens to him, wont know how much or how little love and affection he is getting, wont be able to shield and protect him from cruelty or someone else's misdirected resentment. The helplessness I will soon feel for this child whom I care so much about is frightening.

Nithin where he would prefer to sleep if I let him - in my bed.

Though sometimes it feel like the moments of frustration outweigh the ones of bliss, I find myself wondering how I am going to just go on without these children. How will I get by without those grubby little hands grabbing my head and pulling it down to plant kisses all over my face? I have never met a child who is so utterly grateful for my presence and whom I provide so much security for just by simply existing here with him. I see the anxiety he feels with us just in the next room and it worries me for the future. I know what anxiety feels like but I can't imagine the magnitude of it for a child barely older than a baby who already feels so alone. I can't withhold my affection and comfort just because I am leaving soon and know he will then be without it. I simply can't justify that. But I am afraid that when we leave, he just might crumble.

Peaceful Palolem

Here are a few snaps of our beach holiday on Palolem Beach in the state of Goa. The sun was hot and the Arabian Sea was like bath water. Enjoy!

South Palolem Beach

Neptune Point, Palolem

The view from our beach hut

Sunset over the Arabian Sea

Dancing the night away at the silent disco on Neptune Point