Eternity of Uncertainty

I've had quite a bit of difficulty attempting to quiet my mind lately. It seems like I've opened the floodgates and the thoughts just keep coming and coming and the more that fill my brain the further away I feel from understanding anything. I'm leaving India in a few days and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. On one hand I'm stoked -- I'm about to go to Europe to have some grand adventures with my best friend/soul mate, and in a few weeks I'm going to see my family whom I miss terribly. On the other hand, I'm nervous to go back to a place filled with a bunch of different responsibilities, a ton of people I know, work (ugh), and things, so many things. The thought of it is slightly overwhelming. It kind of feels like I just escaped my life for half a year. Now I am supposed to go back, re-join American society, and make something of my life.

I've said that permanence makes me anxious, that the thought of commitment makes me feel trapped. While that's true, I can't help but wonder if that complete lack of stability and structure is just as bad? As I'm preparing to step back into the real world of my life (which right now feels like a disorganized ball of motion -- coming and going, starting and stopping, shifting piles of matter, no anchors except for my family, always looking for some new goal so that I can't settle into a routine and risk getting stuck), I find myself comparing my life with others my age and questioning my choices. I look at my friends from high school and college -- some are getting married, most have careers or at least a steady income, some own homes -- and I start to feel like a floater. I haven't lived anywhere for more than a six month stretch in over 8 years. I often work seasonally with my family, then lock myself in my studio experimenting with metals and patinas only to realize that selling my artwork isn't half as much fun as making it, and once I've made enough money to escape, I run away for a while. When I get back I do it all over again. I don't stay anywhere long enough to allow a serious relationship, half of my belongings are packed up in a corner somewhere, and my brain is always working on my next adventure. If I had to stay in one place for a while, something might snag me and keep me there and then what if I can't leave again?

I keep moving because I fear regret. I don't want to get old and realize I didn't do all the things I dreamed about. But when I take the time to think about the rest of my life, the stability of the future -- things that easily slip your mind when you're climbing mountains on the other side of the world or drinking chai with monks -- I start to wonder if I'm going to get old and have regrets about not staying put, at least long enough to let something germinate. Sometimes I worry that one day I will return home -- wherever that may be -- cultured, educated, experienced in the ways of the world, and....alone. What good are all of these things if you have no one to share them with? I keep myself moving, because if that something, or someone, were to snag me, I might have to compromise. If I get a permanent job, I might have to compromise. (I've checked the want ads and those looking for metalsmithing acrobatic writers willing to care for orphans, travel often and take breaks for afternoon naps are few and far between.) The thought of having a partnership with someone or getting that dream job is nice, but the feeling that sinks in next is where? I'd have to choose somewhere and possibly stay there. The notion of one place is frightening, and even more so, the thought of making the decision to do so. I know I need to stop worrying about the how. I have to trust that God has a plan for me, and if I can just quiet my mind enough to listen to the directions of my personal legend, everything will fall into place.

My brain is in overdrive. Spending long afternoons reading and writing over lassi's in a rooftop cafe, hiking 10 miles to no particular destination at 4:30 in the morning, watching pilgrims bathe in the Ganges, holding yoga poses as the sun rises, methodically peeling aromatic lychee's....I have had nothing but time to think. The amount of introspection I have experienced lately is overwhelming me and rather than feeling enlightened, I'm feeling heavy with the burden of all this new information, like my arms are shaking under the weight of it but I can't find a place to set it down. It seems like the more I learn, the less anything makes sense. The clearer I am, the foggier my vision.

the more I know the less I understand
the taller I grow, the more the land expands
-HRS

Nina and I are headed off in two very different directions. She will go off to college, experiencing new people, a new place, a new education, while I will continue on this quest to, for lack of a better analogy, 'find myself.' If I keep walking this circular path that leads me back to where I started, I'll start to lose count of my laps. I have to remember that everything is connected, everything is circular in one sense or another. Even if you keep walking straight, eventually you'll end up in familiar territory. Maybe I just need to pause more often; take the time to absorb all that this world has to offer me, to remain appreciative of this incredible life that I've been given. Maybe if I can slow down and realize that the world isn't going to disintegrate under my feet, I'll be able to see that it's not about how much ground you cover and how fast, but the beauty found in each step that really matters.

the river of life flows on by

draining slowly towards the sea
the water returns to the sky
only to be re-released
-CRB