The Longest Goodbye

It's been almost four days since Dovey left and sometimes it's hard to believe she was even here at all. Her stay in India was a whirlwind and those 10 days flew by incredibly fast. On her last night we were invited to a program put on by all the kids. Stanish was the MC, the kids sang and danced and we were once again presented with garland leis from the three youngest. Dovey was given a beautiful framed drawing by Stanish and we were thanked by George and the wardens for all we have done. (He said that the program was a goodbye for the three of us because they couldn't bear to do it again when Nina and I left.) But the most touching moment of the night came from a heartfelt speech made by 16 year old Ganesh.

Siblings Nakshathra (10) and Ganesh (16)

Ganesh is the sweetest teenager I have ever met. He is Nakshathra's big brother and is so caring and loving towards her it melts my heart. He stood up in front of everyone and gave a tearful and shaky reflection (in Kannada translated by George):

'I thank God for this time. I thank God for this precious time.....I thought that I lost everyone and didn't have any relationships in my life. I was all alone. I thank God that God has given me such a wonderful children's home. After coming to this children's home, I got a good father, mother, brothers and sisters. I thank Papa and Mama [George and Jyothi] for giving me a good education. After coming here, I never felt a lack of anything. I thank Diane Aunty for coming in our midst. The three of you [Dovey, Nina, and I] helped us a lot. I thank you for all that you have given. I thank God that you not only came here, you also prayed with us and you ate with us and you played with us. I thank God for this time.'

It was both heart wrenching and touching to watch, especially as Nakshathra began to weep in the front row as she listened to her brother speak. The two have been through so much together and because of George and his family, they now have a home and a family of their own. After the program I sought out Ganesh and gave him a big hug and thanked him for his words. He just held my hand and asked 'When will you be back Aunty?' Others begged 'Please don't go Aunty,' and it was all I could do to not lose my composure.

This is going to be the hardest goodbye I have ever had to make. It certainly is the longest; it seems that we've been preparing and good-bye-ing for the last few weeks. I have learned not to bring it up around Nakshathra because she ends up in tears at the very mention of our departure. She is going to be especially hard to say good-bye to. We have been with her pretty consistently from the get-go and she has become very close to our hearts. She reminds me a little bit of myself, quiet at first, then super silly and rambunctious, but ultimately pretty fragile. I wish I could take her and her brother home with me, though I think I could say that for all of these kids. We have one week left at New Hope and it's going to fly by. Pretty soon it will be hard to believe I was here at all. I have a while yet before I return home to the US, but leaving here is going to feel a lot like leaving home. Because that's really what this place has become.

One is the Loneliest Number

Poor Nakshathra. When its just her, she doesn't talk much but requires our constant attention. If you have tried to entertain a child her age before, when they have little to play with, as well as trouble entertaining themselves, it can be slightly oppressive. I learned this last summer when my family hosted two orphans from Latvia. It took the entire five weeks for them to learn to play on their own without a song and dance from us. I literally had to hide out and take a nap every afternoon. I can practically feel Nakshathra breathing down my neck and see her in my peripheral just centimeters away from my face at any moment. I feel selfish for just wanting a second to myself, because she has got to be feeling so lonely. The other night after we put her to bed we heard her muffled sobs in the next room. When nothing else soothed her, she slept on the floor of our tiny room, occupying the only area available for foot traffic.

Her ankles and wrists packed with colorful friendship bracelets, we make clothespin doll versions of ourselves, read books, draw pictures, watch Justin Bieber and funny cat youtube videos....and then realize that only an hour has gone by. Entertaining a ten year old can be daunting! Once again, I find myself praying for patience, or at least a fresh idea to occupy the long hours in her day. Summer vacation is supposed to be fun, but it's hard to be creative day after day when you have to stay in the same place. If only we could go jump in a swimming hole or take a bike ride, that is what summer vacation is all about!

And Then There Was One.

Yesterday we had some parents show up unexpectedly to claim their children. Swetha's mother came in the morning to collect her for the remainder of summer break, and during the afternoon nap time, Nithin and Nishmitha's mother arrived. There was a meeting upstairs with George and the other caretakers about whether or not she could take them. The mother of these two is irresponsible and self-centered, and as stated in a previous post, left them here initially because they were a 'hindrance to her happiness.' I can't help but feel guarded and suspicious when she comes, watching her like a hawk, as I have become increasingly protective over these two. After all, we take care of them every day, doing everything a mother does for them from bathing to potty training, hiney wiping, dressing, laundry, feeding, and tucking them in at night. She will show up randomly, fill them full of biscuits and juice, and after 45 minutes or so, casually saunter off as they stand sobbing at the gate. She doesn't get excited to see them, cuddle, play with, or love on them during her visits as one might expect. In the past she has come and refused to see Nithin, only Nishmitha. I don't understand her, and I have to feel pity for her for not knowing what she is missing out on, and for whatever has caused her to treat her own children this way. They are so special and bring delight to anyone they meet, but she can't even look beyond her own selfish desires to see what amazing little creatures she has created. These children are human beings, they need structure, stability, discipline, care, and above all else, love and compassion. They aren't dolls that you can pretend with when you feel like playing the part, and then stick in the toybox when you don't feel like being Mommy anymore.

(above photo: Nishmitha and Nithin goofing around at nap time)

This time she came and wanted to take Nishmitha, and only Nishmitha, home for a week. At the meeting, the caretakers and George told her she could not take just one of her kids, explaining the emotional damage it could cause the already severely distressed Nithin. Finally she accepted and left toting the two smiling children by the hand, excited to finally feel wanted by their mother. I can only imagine what it is like for them at home, and pray that they, especially Nithin, aren't being neglected and are receiving the love that they so desperately need from their mother. I couldn't help but wonder to myself, did she even notice he had a black eye?

And then there was Nakshathra. Poor Nakshathra, the only girl left in the house. I feel sad for her, knowing that all of her friends are off with their families when she doesn't have one. Occasionally her sister will visit, but the last time she took Nakshathra and her brother Ganesh, they were gone for a year, living on the streets acting as nannies for her own children. Due to her selfishness, they missed out on a year of school, a proper home, and much needed physical and emotional nourishment.

Nakshathra jamming out to Loverboy on my ipod. I think she likes it as much as I do!

Nina and I are on a mission to replenish that nourishment in any way we can. She has come leaps and bounds with her english, now reading small books when she barely knew the alphabet a few short months ago. But more importantly, we have smothered her with love and made it our priority to show her how special she really is -- that even if she doesn't have family, she is never alone, that there are so many people who love her, and that we wouldn't have hesitated to come all this way even if she was the only one here. That being said, Nakshathra is about to be spoiled rotten....friendship bracelets, ice cream sundaes, movies, nail polish, crafts, hanging out in our room whenever she wants.... We are going to turn what could be a sad and lonely time for her into one in which she is the center of attention, because when all the other kids get back, there wont be as much of our attention to go around. We go to the boys room often to eat meals, watch movies, play games, or make crafts so she is with the rest of the 'family,' and around other kids.

Nakshathra and her ruby red smile after a make-up session

My goal is to leave here having been a big contributor to the confidence, happiness, and love that we have already begun to see from the once quiet, sad, and subdued Nakshathra. We are making progress and are hopeful and confident that she will continue to flourish and grow through love and learning. That is real nourishment. Now if only we could get some meat on her bones..

Proud Mama

When I first arrived here in Bangalore, Nina and I were assigned four girls to be solely responsible for: Angel, Maria, Nakshathra, Nishmitha (and of course little Nithin has jumped in our mix.) In the beginning I was a little apprehensive about working with Nakshathra. She was quiet, subdued, barely made a peep or smiled, and she just looked so sad. Her backstory was dismal to say the least....the loss of both parents, then her beggar/caretaker grandmother, and after becoming settled here at New Hope, her and her brother were taken by her selfish older sister to live on the streets for a year and care for her own children so that she could work. To top it all off, during our first study session, I learned that though her books were quite advanced, she couldn't read a single word of english. She didn't speak or understand much either.

At first, the task of starting all over with her seemed daunting. I wondered how she had been placed in a class with such advanced work, and how had the teachers not realized she was so lost? I was concerned that she might have a learning disability because she was so far behind her friend Angel. I wondered how she felt in school when she knew nothing of what was going on around her. I worried that she was anxious and overwhelmed and felt uncomfortable or out of place. I was quite bewildered and intimidated with the situation, but with some advice from my wonderful mother who home-schooled me in my early years and taught me to read, as well as some teacher friends, we hit the books, starting with the alphabet, sounds, and small like-sounding words. Slow at first, progress started being made, but you can only hold a child's attention for so long with a boring pen and paper. When the other volunteer Mary came, she brought educational games, first time reading books, and other books we could read to the kids, and the improvement started to quicken. My mom sent flashcards of letters, phonics, sight words, numbers, and math, and both Nakshathra and the younger Nishmitha and Nithin seemed to be really catching on! Nakshathra is no longer just guessing at words, looking up to me for the answer, but really sounding them out and beginning to understand what they mean. We beam like proud mothers when we see her face light up with excitement when she overcomes another obstacle.

A Happy Nakshathra playing a singing game during one of our many daily power outages.

Though last week after a teary encounter with Amma during prayer time, (Amma is the endearing term for grandmother, a woman who lives downstairs with us and helps with cooking and cleaning) we were worried we may have hit a bump in the road. Amma can be tough, and had somewhat mocked her for not being able to read english, and having trouble with her Kannada (her mother tongue) too. Not only were Nina and I shocked to speechlessness at what we were witnessing, we were also worried that it may discourage or derail her learning process. We brought her aside and made sure to let her know how proud we were of her and how far she had come. The next night during prayer time, when usually the Bible reading is done by Angel or Maria, Nakshathra volunteered to read from the english Bible. We were ecstatic! Though it was a slow and stumbling process, she got through a few verses with some help, and her friends clapped and cheered for her accomplishment. The smile on her face and pride in her puffed up chest nearly brought tears to our eyes. Angel turned to me and said, 'Auntie when we came down here [from living upstairs with the others] not one word could she read. And now....!' Then yesterday after school, again Angel came to me to say that during an oral exam that day, their teachers asked how Nakshathra had learned so much so fast. We couldn't contain our excitement! When others notice progress, you really know you are making a difference. To see how proud she is of herself is so heartwarming and encouraging to witness. Not only has she come so far in her studies, but she has really come out of her shell, playing, talking, laughing, cuddling up to us, and even sometimes coming to us when she has problems. She has a habit of going a little off her rocker just around dinner time, or the 'witching hour,' and can often be heard cackling like a hyena, music to our ears.

Though being around my sisters family and kids has prepared me for future motherhood in so many ways, this experience has really helped me to learn to deal with the stickier situations. When I came here I was skilled in diaper changing, potty training, teaching babies to talk, cuddling, feeding, burping, playing, bathing, and many other motherly duties. Now I have been exposed to children who have felt tremendous loss, abandonment, deep sadness, and physical harm. I have learned to teach them when we have no common grounds of communication other than our hands and our hearts. I am amazed at how quickly they can absorb knowledge when they are in a nurturing environment conducive to love and learning, and love of learning.

We still have a long way to go, but if we have made even the littlest impact in one child's life, then this whole experience has been worth it.