Halftime

Even though my time here is just a little more than half over, with each day that passes, I can already feel the end hurdling near. Though at times the thought is enticing, it is also a frightening one. Not only am I unsure of what exactly I will be doing after this, but what will life in general be like? I nodded in agreement when people told me I would come back changed; to actually feel those changes occur is pretty powerful, and I can only imagine their true impact when I attempt to dive back into the lifestyle I once knew so well. I can't help but wonder what things will be like a few months from now as I adjust to life back in the western hemisphere.

When I play with my nieces and nephew, will the stares of Nakshathra, Nishmitha, and Nithin reflect back from the deep wells of their eyes? When I sit at my bench with my tools spread in front of me, will I feel inspired? Will the familiar instruments, cool metal, and the expressions I make with them ever feel as purposeful as giving first aid to a parentless child in need of comfort? When I lay in my soft, fluffy bed surrounded by a fortress of feather pillows and guarded by a purring cat, will I miss my lumpy bedroll, hard cot and resulting bruises on my hip bones, and a lullaby of fighting street dogs outside my window? Will there feel like a void without Nina's clumsy feet fumbling for a hold on the edge of my cot as she dismounts the top bunk to use the pit? Will I still feel purposeful waking with the sun already high in the sky, without the beautiful sound of small children singing as my alarm clock? Will I fumble with a foreign utensil in my once dextrous left hand while the fingers of my right ache to dive into whatever is on my plate? Will I awake in the night inspired and reach for my journal to dribble ink in the form of quirky prose, half finished sketches, narratives, and letters, trying to find a way to convey just what I am feeling so that I can share it with someone back home?

Even though some days it feels like I don't do anything of much importance, I know deep down if I have made a child smile, I have done my job. Will I ever feel this much purpose in my day to day responsibilities as I do now? Maybe not until I am a mother. I have learned a lot about motherhood and adopted keen 'mom senses' that I hadn't realized I'd acquired. I can hear a muffled sob from far away and can usually tell you who's tears are being shed. I can smell when someone needs a bath, or notice small cuts and bruises that would have otherwise gone undetected. I can read a dejected facial expression even when someone insists they are fine, and sometimes I can even dig out the cause or at least tickle a smile out of them. I don't have much to give, but I've got a lot of love -- if there's anything I know I am, it's a lover and a dreamer, and that's why working with kids is my thing. I'm just like them.

Though deep down I know it wont happen, one of my biggest fears is that I will return to my privileged life in the US and all too easily fall back into the swing of things and lose sight of the reality that I am a part of right now. I cannot allow myself to indulge in this, one of my fatal flaws -- worrying about what I might miss in the future to the point that I am missing out on it in the present -- because it is futile. Instead, I have to take each day for what it is, and not let myself lose perspective just because something is out of sight. So my present purpose is to be alert, here and now, and absorb everything that this experience has to teach me, because, like everyone says, it's going to change my life.